


I Don't Wanna Be A Murderer

by TheXJames



Series: It Matters How This Ends [5]
Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/F, Heavy Angst, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I'm Sorry, Relationship Problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-08-07 02:44:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16399877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheXJames/pseuds/TheXJames
Summary: It reminded Beca of the moment before you die. People say their life flashes before their eyes. It was similar, she thought, only it wasn't her life. It was Chloe. Every memory she had of the redhead seemed to play before her, all mashing together like a fucked up mix. All with the backing track of Chloe's previous words.





	I Don't Wanna Be A Murderer

**Author's Note:**

> My dudes... I'm sorry. This one is rough. 
> 
> It will get better I promise. 
> 
> xxx Continue at your own risk...

Sandra looked at Beca with slight confusion as she sat down.

“You're here a day early.”

“She slept with someone else.”

Beca hadn't looked up from the floor yet, when she did Sandra noticed the lack of sleep that was evident from her face.

“She told you this?” Sandra asked.

“Mhmm.” Beca mumbled. “Last night. We were watching TV and out of nowhere she just tells me she cheated on me.”

“What did you say?”

“Nothing.” Beca replied. “Then too much.”

 

_14 Hours Ago_

_“I cheated on you.”_

_Chloe states it like she's making a comment about the episode of Kitchen Nightmares they're watching. “Before I called you to end things.”_

_Beca forces herself to look at Chloe, not at all prepared for the face she sees. Chloe is already crying, tears silently streaming down her face. She's not looking at Beca, she's looking down at her hands which are in her lap. She starts to fidget with the ring on her left thumb, acting like she wants to say more. Beca, for her part, just stares at her, trying to wrap her head around this information._

_It hurt. Unbelievable and inexplicable pain cut through her. It hurt more than anything Beca could remember. It hurt so much she hurt physically, her chest seizing and her heart thumping so hard she was sure it would give out. It was too much. Too much pain, she couldn't deal with it. She took a deep breath, then another; it didn't help._

_“Becs...say something please.” Chloe finally looked at her and something inside snapped._

_It reminded Beca of the moment before you die. People say their life flashes before their eyes. It was similar, she thought, only it wasn't her life. It was Chloe. Every memory she had of the redhead seemed to play before her, all mashing together like a fucked up mix. All with the backing track of Chloe's previous words._

_The first time they met._

_“I cheated on you.”_

_Chloe looking at her on stage at Worlds._

_“I cheated on you.”_

_Moving into their studio._

_“I cheated on you.”_

_The first kiss they shared._

_“I cheated on you.”_

_Their first time together._

_“I cheated on you.”_

_Without warning Beca stood up from the couch. She had to put space between herself and that face. Those tears, the heartbroken eyes, the fidgeting hands. It was too much. She couldn't process. The small part of her brain that was thinking logically knew they should talk about this. She should sit down and listen to what Chloe had to say. Chloe would have a reason, and they would work through this._

_The logical side of her did not win._

_“After everything.” Beca turned to look back toward Chloe. “My parents.” She couldn't form coherent thoughts. “How could you?”_

_Chloe stayed silent for a moment before replying. “I didn't intend on it happening. I was drunk. It was - I'm sorry.”_

_“You didn't intend…” Beca tried to slow down her thoughts. “What exactly was your intention getting drunk and going home with someone Chloe?!?”_

_Beca knew she shouldn't be yelling. The look on Chloe's face almost kept her from yelling. Almost. Chloe didn't say anything else. The tears started falling faster and it hurt Beca even more, seeing the redhead so upset but knowing the reason behind it._

_“No. You don't get to cry and act heartbroken over this Chloe. You did this.” “I know.” Chloe sobbed into her hands._

_“I know and I'm so sorry Beca. I don't know what I was thinking. It didn't mean anything.” Chloe took a breath to try and calm her emotions down but it was too much for Beca._

_“It meant everything.” She said quietly. This brought on a fresh wave of tears and Beca realized for the first time that she was crying too. Not sobbing uncontrollably the way Chloe was now, but silent tears slowly rolled down, catching on her jawline before falling to the ground. They stood there in silence for what seemed like hours before Beca spoke again._

_“I'm going to bed. I need to think. We can talk about this tomorrow.” She could tell Chloe wanted to argue that they should talk about it now, but she caught herself and just nodded._

_“I'm sorry.” Beca had never heard her sound so small._

_“Yeah. I know Chlo.” She whispered as she turned to the guest room._

“What are you thinking?” Sandra questioned.

“I just…we were doing so great you know? We've been coming to see you for what six weeks now? And things have been good between us. Talking more, spending quality time together. We've been happy.” Beca ran a hand through her hair. “Why did she have to say anything?”

“You wish she wouldn't have told you?”

“I…yes.” Beca replied.

“Why?”

“It just hurts so badly.” Beca said. “I don’t know how to deal with this.”

Sandra watched her for a moment before replying. “Would it have been better for Chloe to have to carry this around with her? The rest of your relationship you’d be oblivious while she held onto the guilt she was feeling?”

Beca didn’t want to think about how Chloe felt right now. “She chose to sleep with someone else.”

“Why do you think she did?” Sandra responded.

“What do you mean?” Beca asked.

“You said this happened just before she broke up with you, right?” Sandra asked and Beca nodded in the affirmative. “Okay, so why do you think she slept with someone else? What led to that point?”

Beca took a moment to think through the days and weeks leading up to the phone call. She had been going days without speaking to Chloe, and when they did talk it was about mundane things. She honestly couldn’t remember the last time she’d asked Chloe about anything going on in her life, other than the generic ‘How was your day?’ or ‘How’s school going?’ questions. Meanwhile, she’d ignored texts and phone calls, thinking to herself that she’d respond as soon as she had a second, while in reality going days before calling back, sometimes not responding to texts at all. She’d been so wrapped up in what she was working on….

“I wasn’t there.” Beca said, and Sandra nodded for her to continue. “Not just physically, but like, at all. I wasn’t really acting like much of a girlfriend.”

“You were busy.” Sandra said.

“No, it was more than that. I took for granted the fact that Chloe would always be there. I was so focused on work, on my life in LA, that our lives together was put on the backburner.”

Sandra jotted something down before responding. “So you think she slept with someone to get your attention?”

“No. I mean, I just found out about it so that wouldn’t make sense.” Beca thought for a moment. “I think it really wasn’t intentional. She said it shouldn’t have happened…I think she went out and someone was giving her those things I couldn’t. Making her feel valued again.”

Beca knew she had undervalued Chloe during her time in LA. It was one of the driving factors in her decision to go back to New York, trying to show the redhead that she was the most important thing to Beca, even if she’d forgotten that for a while. “I think I drove her to cheating on me.” 

"Don’t blame yourself Beca, it was definitely Chloe’s decision. But I’m impressed that you are looking at things from her side.” Sandra stated. “I think you’re right, that she didn’t mean for it to happen.”

 

“So where do we go from here?” Beca questioned.

“Well, where do you want to go?”

“I want to forget that any of this happened. I want to go back to being happy.” Beca deflated into the couch she was sitting on.

“That can’t happen unfortunately. Chloe told you the truth, she was honest with you about making a mistake, and now the ball’s in your court. What do you want to do with the information?”

“I don’t know.” Beca replied honestly. “It still hurts so much right now. I never thought she’d do this to me, especially with everything she knows about my life, my parents.”

Beca thought back on the day she’d realized her father’s character.

_“Mom, where’s dad going?” A sleepy 14 year old Beca asked quietly as she looked upon her mother, standing in the doorway, a single tear slipping from her eye._

_“He’s leaving.” Her mother said sternly. “He’s not coming back.”_

_“What do you mean?” Beca questioned._

_“He left us Beca. He left us for another family.”_

 

“Do you want your relationship with Chloe to end?”

Sandra pulled Beca back from her thoughts. They’d discussed her parents at length a couple of weeks ago, and it had been the first time Beca was able to forgive her dad, albeit slightly, for what he’d done.

“I don’t.” Beca said quickly. “I love her. I want to love her for the rest of my life.”

“Then you need to talk to her. Give her the chance to tell you what happened, her side of things. It’s going to be painful and there will probably be fighting and tears, but you both need to get everything in the open with this.” Sandra said. She jotted down a note and continued. “A lot of couples I don’t recommend staying together after a situation like this happens. You and Chloe though, I feel like you two are better together than apart. And given the fact that Chloe was honest with you when she didn’t have to be, when she could have swept everything under the rug and you would have been none the wiser, I think that shows how open she’s trying to be with you.”

“I know, I just…what if I say the wrong thing? Or blow up at her? What if she doesn’t want to fix this?” Beca couldn’t help the fears she had from exposing themselves.

“I don’t think she told you out of spite Beca, I think she wants to have the best relationship you guys can possibly have. She wanted to be honest with you, and I’m sure that was hard for her.”

“Yeah, leaving first thing this morning probably didn’t help.” Beca said.

“You needed space and time to sort your thoughts. There’s nothing wrong with that. You did tell her you would be back though, right?” Sandra asked and Beca laughed lightly.

“I left a post-it.”

“At least you left something. You need to go home though and talk about this, even though it’s going to hurt.” Sandra said seriously.

“Can I, could we come up here tomorrow?” Beca asked. “I know it’s not our scheduled time or whatever but I really could use some help making sure I say what I mean to. I don’t want to just yell and scream at her because I know she’ll take it because she’s feeling guilty and stuff but that’s not really going to help anything.”

Sandra checked her calendar for a moment. “Come in at 6pm. I’ll stay late for this. I think it’s very smart of you, Beca, to want to talk things through here.” Sandra smiled at her. “You still need to talk to her when you get home though. It doesn’t have to be all about the cheating, but don’t go until 6:00 tomorrow evening without speaking to her.”

“No, I know. I won’t.” Beca started to get up but paused.

“Do you think we’ll be okay after this?” She asked.

“I haven’t known you and Chloe’s relationship for very long, but from what I’ve seen you two care about each other immensely. And you’re best friends, which has helped you find each other both before and after LA. I think this is going to be a big hurdle, but you can get past it, if you’re willing to put in the work.” Sandra said.

“Thank you.” Beca replied as she walked out of the office.

 

********************

 

Beca expected the apartment to be empty when she walked in, Chloe should have been at work. She glanced at her phone to double check, before hearing Chloe walking down the hall. Upon seeing her, Chloe stopped and began talking.

“I called in sick. I couldn’t go to work, not without knowing if you’d be here when I got home.” She said and Beca could already see tears forming. “I’m so so sorry Beca, I don’t know –“

“Stop.”

Beca said, and Chloe immediately stopped talking. She looked up and Beca could see the fear in her eyes. She looked at the state of her right now, still in sweatpants with no makeup on, tear stains on her face. Beca loved this girl more than anything, and yes she had made a mistake but that’s all it was. It was something they would deal with and get through. “Come here, Chlo.” Beca said and Chloe immediately fell into her arms, sobbing. “Baby, calm down. We are going to be okay.” Beca said quietly as she held the girl in her arms, letting her cry out some of the guilt and pain she felt. Once she’d calmed down some, they moved to the couch.

“Chloe, I’m still hurting, and we are going to talk through all of this. I went to see Sandra today, and if it’s okay with you we’re going to talk to her tomorrow afternoon.” Chloe didn’t respond, she just nodded yes. “There are a lot of things I need to hear, and need to say. But I don’t want to do that right now. Right now I want to curl up on this couch and watch trashy TV with my girlfriend.”

Beca looked from Chloe, to the TV, and back to Chloe. “Is that okay?”

“That’s totes okay Becs.” Chloe said as she moved her body to lean against Beca.

They watched television, ordered take out, watched some more television, took a nap, and were now sitting at the table eating leftover lunch take out for dinner. Chloe looked up at Beca, her eyes still shining slightly from the emotions of the last day.

“Becs?”

“Yes?” Beca replied.

“Are we gonna get through this? I want to get through this.” Chloe said quietly.

Beca sighed, looking at her girlfriend for a moment. This woman meant so much to her, and had hurt her deeply, but still was the beacon in her life. Beca couldn’t imagine leaving her, not really. She knew there were going to be some fights, and it was going to be a sore subject for years to come, but Beca was okay with that. She’d rather have years fighting with Chloe than not.

 

“We’re going to get through this.” Beca said, and she knew it was true.


End file.
